Yo La Ma Bay

Very emotional today...

Mom ask me "do u have time?" I was in my lunch break and  just doing nothing in front of the computer and watching facebook. 

She bought a old cassette tape and a "old fashion cassette player" to my room. "This is yours, when u were little, listen to it, i cry when i listen to it. That's your father voice inside." She left, i was very nerious, but i try to stay clam, act slowly, press on "play"...It was a short piece of old pop song, then a little girl crying, heavy cry and short breath and keep saying something, that's me. I was crying and talking to my parent. I was upset about them. I was pissed off. I don't know is for what reason, but there was a conversation between my father and i. I was keep yelling of him, saying how bad i think he was as a father. I think it was my father who recorded this, i think at that time, he thought this is funny..."a little kid thought she know what she is talking but she actually don't know what she is saying...very silly..." I think he thought this way...It was funny actually in the first 5 mins, i was saying non-sense thing (seem to) than the content of story start getting "attacting"..to my father...

My father said, " oh, so u really think that your father is that bad..." i replied and yell, "yea! exactly! I hate you, i really don't like you!"...and more and more hurtful attact to my father... My mom yelled to me, "ok, that's enough! You go too far now...!" (It was funny in the beinging...but not anymore....it was actually getting embarrassing.) I guess my mom stop the recording at the end, because it start getting serious. No one wants to know or the hear the fact, they thought kids don't know, kids can't tell the truth...but they were always wrong. Maybe as a kid, doesn't have a good skill to express themselve, but doesn't mean they don't know the fact. I had talked many bad things in the tape and i am sure my father and hurted and embarssed. I don't regret for what i did, i was too small to judge what's right to say and what's wrong...but i am sad, i miss my father, a lots...more than i thought... more than my tears can fall. Sometime, i still dream that he is still alive, he just went to a trip...he was nice and heatlhy in my dream. I am sure he is in Peace now and with my heaven Father. I miss his voice...the cassette tape is such a treasure to keep his voice in it, his voice was young and strong. I am sure he loved me, i have to believed it, i had forgive what he had did to me and my family. I hope he will also forgive me of what i had said in the cassette tape.

This is a very emotional afternoon for me, i don't want to cry and collapse, although i want to and my tear keep rolling down...but i have to work later and i dont' want to have a red eye. But at least now i feel better after wrote this down. 

Only time will heal.